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Humorous Thoughts

The following appeared in previous free Selfnurture.com publications and website pages.

Check out our Featured Article.

If you want even more humor, take a look at our links to other humor sites.

Making the rounds on the Internet:

Straight talk from a penguin

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn?

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the f*** off the car!"

From Sep/Oct 2000 Upside of Being Single eZine:

"I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign." - Mae West

"When I'm tired of shopping - I sit down and try on shoes." - from a decorative plaque in a Petaluma, California, store

"Be yourself - Nobody does it better." - from a magnet I bought at a truck stop in Nebraska

"Chastising yourself is like playing leapfrog with a unicorn." - from a friend who is a security guard/philosopher

This sign was in the dining room of a Bed and Breakfast in Allenspark, Colorado: "No Sniveling" And this one was in a cafe just down the street: "If you are grouchy, irritable, or just plain mean, there will be a $10 charge for putting up with you." So before you take a trip to this gorgeous little mountain town - check your "pleasantness quotient"!

We found these "Deep Thoughts" circulating through cyberspace:

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

From Aug 2000 Upside of Being Single eZine:

He thought he'd found "Ms. Right."
But then he found out her first name was "Always."

Did you know they have corsets for men?
Isn't that just kind of a fancy pot-holder?

Love is grand. Divorce is a couple of hundred grand.
(Courtesy of Car Talk (tm) http://www.cartalk.com)

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs build the Ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.

From Sep 1999 Upside of Being Single Newsletter:

The average child laughs 400 times a day. The average adult laughs 15 times a day. So maybe you don't stop laughing because you get old. You get old because you stop laughing.

Don't marry for money. You can borrow it cheaper from the bank.

Here's a clever line you can deliver if an ex-lover asks if you miss him or her.
Politely say, "Well, my bed is colder, but it's also wider."

A friend is a person who knows you through and through - and likes you anyway.

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